There’s a prescription waiting for you at the pharmacy, currently unclaimed: a bottle of twenty-four pyramid-shaped pills. We ordered it for you several years ago, just in case the universe that we built for you failed to entertain. When taken over the course of six months, they coalesce into an inner tomb for your former self. This marks the beginning of a major shift in consciousness which we refer to as “hard mode.”

The first thing that you’ll notice is that your heart stops beating upon the tomb’s completion. You’ll find that you can control your own pulse and adrenaline supply as needed or desired; however, your circulation ceases to be an automatic process, and requires your constant attention to continue. There are a number of other mechanisms which you’ll need to learn to command, including the width of your pupils, the growth of your hair, and the churning of your digestive tract. Don’t worry; the automation returns when you fall asleep, but it may take some time getting used to transitioning in and out of the waking world as a result.

We like to think that we’ve made the experience of operating your human body intuitive and fun as it is. Regardless, even though it breaks our hearts to see you reject our hard work again and again, we’re willing to offer you this small degree of creative control. Ask your doctor if hard mode is right for you.