The escalator god has very few worshippers, and the same can be said of the elevator goddess. As latecomers to the pantheon game, they’ve been fiercely competing for the attention of a handful of devotees from the confines of their fiberglass palaces. Without a Trojan War or a Ragnarok in which to prove their worth, they’ve been forced to develop a much less glamorous system of competition.

Their rules are strange, but well-defined. Whenever someone impatiently walks up an escalator that is already heading upward, the elevator goddess gains a point. Whenever someone repeatedly jams an inactive close door button, the escalator god laughs and earns one for every pressing instead. Gains and losses are also made whenever someone mistakenly walks down an up-escalator, confuses floors “L” and “1,” or even when a child mischievously presses all of an elevator’s buttons.

Once per year, the two deities meet in a room on the thirteenth floor of the hotel of their choice, count up their victories, and sketch out the details of the next year’s rules. For the sake of fairness, they only take the stairs during these sacred rendezvous. I have heard, however, that despite the ferocity of their rivalry, these meetings are not all about business.